I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
