Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
