Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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