I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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