the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
