I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
