Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
