So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
