Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
