Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
