Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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