I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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