You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
