I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
