Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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