if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
