Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
