You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
