I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
