this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
