Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
