arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This house was built for laser tag.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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