Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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