NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
