i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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