Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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