Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
