there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
