I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The power of my boobs compel you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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