he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
