I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
