College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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