$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
