This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
