bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
