his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
