yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
