I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm both gender and math confused
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
