I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
