what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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