What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
