Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
