swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
