i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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