dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
