What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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