so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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