I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
