Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
