So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
