I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
