I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
