It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
