So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
