Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
